


Help my life be worth your while

by SlarStarsFanFics



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eating Disorders, F/M, Family Feels, Gen, Good Sibling Luther Hargreeves, Good Sibling Number Five | The Boy, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Isolation, Loneliness, Luther Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Number Five | The Boy and Luther Hargreeves are Twins, Self-Harm, Spoiler they both get one, Touch-Starved, Twin ESP AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:02:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26620342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlarStarsFanFics/pseuds/SlarStarsFanFics
Summary: Our connection was entirely empathic,” He had explained. “We feel each other's emotions, good or bad. And each other's pain..”
Relationships: Dolores/Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Number Five | The Boy & Luther Hargreeves, The Hargreeves Family
Comments: 20
Kudos: 196





	Help my life be worth your while

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by all the lovely people in my au thread on Tumblr, (@sad-space-monkey-boy if you’re curious)   
> Title from Decimal - Novo Amor
> 
> Heed the tags loves

It had been clear to Reginald since day one. The twins would shriek and sob if they were separated. The nannies would lose sight of Number Five for a _second,_ and he was at Number One’s side. Number Five would spill his oatmeal and halfway across the house, Number One would start giggling. If Number One was upset, Number Five was upset. If Number Five injured himself, Number One would start crying as well. 

_Fascinating…_

The tests started when they were very young. It started small. He put them in different rooms, seeing how they reacted to each other's emotions. It didn’t seem to matter where the other was, the connection seemed to stay just as strong. The training got more intense the older they got, and the more their pain tolerance grew. And as they grew, so did their bond.

They were attached at the hip for their whole pre-adolescent lives. Whenever they weren’t doing individual training or at meals, they were together. They learnt together, they played together, Number Five would even port into Number One’s room at night and they would fall asleep together. 

And then Five vanished. 

Luther watched as Five booked it out the door. Luther felt his brother’s euphoria as he successfully time travelled. But in a span of seconds, the euphoria turned to shock. Then panic. Then grief. Overwhelming grief. 

The Umbrella Academy watched as Reginald dragged Luther upstairs to interrogate him on where Five was and how he was feeling. Luther told him. He told him about the pain and grief and loneliness. And Reginald wrote it all down, then snapped his journal shut and never asked again. But he watched. He watched as Luther crumbled without the presence of his twin. 

“It will be good for him,” he frankly told Pogo, “The codependency is eradicated, and we can see what side effects being without it will have on Number One’s performance.” 

But the side effects were bad. They were terrible. The boy grew distant, closed off. He hid in his room, he got into more arguments with his siblings. Ben and Allison seemed to be the only ones who he could stand to spend time with. It was heart wrenching for everyone. Except Reginald of course.

* * *

Five was so relieved when he realized he still had it. He wasn’t completely alone, and he had a sort of window into his family’s life. His twin’s life. 

Now it wasn’t good most of the time. Luther always seemed to be in pain in one way or another. But every once and a while, blinding joy shone through. Five imagined what Luther could be doing. Maybe he was reading his favourite book, or helping make cookies! Maybe a fan had sent him a new record, or he had finished a new model plane!

He also felt the overwhelming tenderness that tugged from his twin’s side of the bond. Five’s imagination didn’t have to do much work those times. He knew exactly what was happening. Luther likely was sharing a rare bonding moment with Diego, or doing… whatever it was he and Allison did. He was likely pretending to be exacerbated while Klaus climbed all over him, or reading a book in tandem with Ben while the latter lay cuddled on his chest. He was probably listening intently to Vanya practice her violin or teaching Mom to dance. 

Five tried to focus on the good feelings. They kept him going in his little lonely hell.  
  


* * *

Luther spent a long time only feeling numb loneliness from his side of the bond. His brother was all alone, wherever he was, and the thought hurt more than he could say. But not only was there loneliness, there was hunger. Constant, gnawing hunger that couldn’t be quenched. (Reginald ended up banning him from eating anything outside of the three daily meals and ensured that Grace wouldn’t give him desserts.)

One day, something new started budding from the other side. Something uncharacteristically soft and gentle and his brother felt _happy_ for the first time in years! His brother had found someone and was in love. Luther had never felt as indebted to a person as he felt to Five’s partner. 

When they were 15, they were stopping yet another bank robbery. Luther and Klaus were running to take down a robber when the blonde’s leg buckled and he fell face-first to the ground. Their mother checked it but found nothing wrong. Dad has punished him. He should know better than to let Five get to him. He didn’t think to argue. 

Sometimes, he woke up feeling absolutely buzzed. He danced around the house and actually laughed at Klaus’ jokes, and eventually, he just passed out giggling on the couch. That had also landed him in huge trouble. (Diego has the absolute time of his life on those days.)

“How is Five?” Vanya often asked. He just told her the good things.   
  


* * *

Five was, presumably, 17 when the worst pain yet came. Five could sense the pre-mission nerves, then the blind confidence that came while it was in process. Those feelings had just settled into Five’s chest when all of the sudden there was a burst of blind panic and overpowering fear. And then there was desperation, then absolute misery. Five could feel the guilt and pain and he wished he understood. What could have happened that caused Luther that much grief and self-hatred? 

He found Vanya’s book. Then he knew.

He had thought that there was no way it could get any worse. But the pain became layered. He could feel pangs of loneliness as they aged. The others had left. 

They were around 22 when it reached a new peak. He had been drinking wine with Dolores when there was a sudden **burning** all over his chest. Pain clouded his vision as he keeled over. Dolores has been so worried. 

The anguish was unending until it wasn’t and for a split second, Five could feel the fibres of the bond start to pull and separate and then came the worst half a minute of his life. There was nothing. Luther was gone. 

And then he was back, but something had changed. The other side just seemed to be floating in a void for months, peaceful for the first time in their lives. And then there was nothing but agony. Not physical, but mental. Luther was absolutely devastated. Then came the tearing. The feeling of skin tearing all over his body and he didn’t have to guess what was happening. And he prayed to whoever that someone, _anyone_ would realize that his brother was harming himself. But his family had left, and Luther was alone. Just as alone as Five was now, though he didn’t know how that was possible. 

* * *

“How is he?”

That was a question Luther got more times than he could count. He was constantly torn between answering honestly and worrying them. 

“He’s… doing the best he can.” Luther always said. Because it was true. Number Five Hargreeves has a tenacity that would make any person jealous. Now matter how lonely, sad, or desolate he felt, stubbornness always shone through. He _would_ keep going and he _would_ find a way back to them.

When he found himself completely and utterly alone, Five was who he clung to. 

But oh the guilt that came whenever he injured himself, accidentally or not. The first time he scratched off his skin was followed by both the terrible reality of being known, and horrible realization that he had just subjected his brother to the same punishment. He couldn’t stop though, he couldn’t control it. 

Food was scarce on the moon. He told himself he was rationing, that it was necessary. He even asked for more food! He wasn’t starving himself. 

Sometimes the guilt got too much and he’d eat. He’d eat a lot. It never really made him feel better, just worse, but if Five couldn’t be full, then he at the very least shouldn’t have to feel his brother’s hunger as well. 

He was a wreck and he hated how that must have affected his brother. If he was a good brother, he would stop hurting himself. He would start eating properly again. He would stop being a self-pitying bastard and actually do something with his life. But he wasn’t a good brother, was he? 

And that was why he was alone. 

* * *

He was 29 years old when it happened. The week started with muted grief, that somehow felt more like a relief. Then came those soft pangs of love that had been absent for years. They stayed over the course of the week. Then came the end. Five could feel shock and betrayal and absolute desperation and then- 

Luther was gone. The apocalypse had come and Five’s borrowed time with his brother had come to an end. 

His days became the same. One endless loop for 29 years. He would scavenge and drink and dance with his wife to an old Prince album that he’d found. 

Then came the Commission. Then came the Handler. 

She had asked him about it once. In one of her _many_ probes about his family. 

“So, you could read each other's minds, or-“ 

“On the contrary, that’s the one thing we couldn’t do. Our connection was entirely empathic,” He had explained. “We feel each other's emotions, good or bad. And each other's pain..” 

“So what would happen if I shot you right now? Would he feel it?”

“He would if we were either at the same point in the timeline or if he lived to the same age I am currently, which he didn't. He died in the 2019 apocalypse, just like everyone else.” 

“So the link is gone,” she laughed, “And how did that make you feel?” 

He stared her straight in the eye. “It was like losing a limb.”  
  


* * *

Five returned. He brushed the dirt off of his newly too-large pants. Then he realized. It’s back! The link is back and all that is coming through is shock and caution and _love._ So much love. 

And for Luther, it was like someone hit a reset switch. No more loneliness and pain, just relief. 

“Does anybody else see little Number Five? Or… is it just me?”

“Shit!”

* * *

  
It took Five forever to catch his brother alone. 

Luther was looking through his records once again. He had missed this. He pulled one out.

“ _Chaos and Disorder_ , huh? That’s one of my favourites.” A voice said from behind him.

“ _GEEZ,_ Five!” Luther felt his heart clench as he spun around. Five looked unabashed. 

“I need to talk to you about something.” 

“Shoot.”

Five ported on top of Luther’s bed. “Your life has been… sad.”

“Gee thanks,” he said sarcastically, “and I could say the same thing about you.” 

“I wasn’t trying to insult you.” The (younger?) boy started studying the room. His eyes caught on the sheet-covered mirror, and then on his brother. Luther bristled under his scrutinizing gaze. 

Five’s shoulders slumped and he sighed. “I’m… sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me.” It came out stilted, as if he wasn’t used to saying things like it. Luther could feel the despair. He eased himself down onto the mattress, taking care not to touch his brother. He didn’t think either of them could handle that. 

“I’m sorry too.”

Five looked confused. The invisible barrier between them felt stronger than ever.

“For what?”

“You were all alone for so long, and I was… fine. But I kept ripping myself apart and I knew how it would affect you, but I kept doing it. I couldn’t stop.” 

A wave of amusement rippled through the room. “You stupid piece of shit.” 

“What?”

“I didn’t care that it hurt me. I was worried about you.” 

And then the barrier was crossed and Five was wrapped around his torso. His too-small fingers had the back of his jacket in a vice-grip. The contact burned and he could tell that Five felt it too. But despite that, he settled his gloved hand on his brother’s back. 

“I haven’t hugged anyone in 45 years.”

Luther laughed. “I think you’ve still got it.”


End file.
